It's been awhile..

The holiday's really kicked my butt but I wouldn't have it any other way. I spent the last two weeks with the most amazing friends and family. My best friend was home from Texas, my grandpa finally made it out of the hospital in Georgia, and I've seen all of the people I've been severely missing.

This Christmas we had a tragedy in our family. My cousins boyfriend died in a horrific car accident on the way home from church. If I wasn't an advocate for drunk driving before, I definitely am now. His accident should have never happened. How in the world are you driving the wrong way on a highway?  It's such a senseless thing that breaks my heart. My cousin doesn't deserve to deal with this pain and I wish there was something I could do. I hope that I never have to lose someone close to me because I don't know how I'll ever manage.

Well, it's almost New Years & while I wont post the cliche "NEW YEAR NEW ME" resolutions, I will say that I can't wait for a new year. 2012 has dealt me too many cards that I wasn't prepared for. Ones that I couldn't just hurdle and get over. Things that left me weak in my bed and turned me into someone I wasn't. I'm so thankful to have amazing people to bring me out of my slump and make me realize what's really important. So this year, I plan on having an amazing ride and staying healthy and happy.

Anchors away,

Samantha

Building Walls

We all have that one person who crushed us. The one who made us fall hard & then didn't catch us. The one you trusted with everything & then completely broke your trust. They're the reason you build walls. You want to keep people out. You want someone to break them down. You want to protect yourself. But when do you start to let your guard down? Do you wait for someone to do it for you? Or, do you just realize that the walls are overwhelming and you need to move on? I'm thankful that through this messy year I've started to tear down my walls. Sometimes it's just brick by brick and sometimes its huge chunks, but slowly they're going.


Anchors away,

Samantha

Memories

Memories are a funny thing, they bring you back to a place in your life where the emotions feel the same as the day it happened. Your memories can be big things, small things, insignificant moments, or huge life changing moments. Your first kiss, the first time you and your friends got drunk, the feeling of getting dropped off at college at 18, and even go as far back as remembering holding your baby sister for the first time. Sometimes, you can't remember all of the details. What does your first love's voice sound like? Or, What was that game you spent hours playing in granny's backyard with your two boy cousins? But nonetheless, you always count on your memories to bring you back to a specific time, with specific people, to feel a specific feeling. What you don't count on is someone in your life forgetting. I spent 5 days a week at your house as a child, how could you ever forget me? But it happens, over time, with nothing to stop it. The spouse you loved, the 8 children, and 20+ grandchildren/great-grandchildren become a blur.

 I've already watched one grandparent suffer with dementa. But seeing her only holidays it didn't hit me as hard. Hearing my papaw's diagnoses today was nothing short of devastating. Growing up I was the princess of the family. All of my older cousins adored me and my granny & papaw spoiled me. I can remember crying at preschool just so my granny would come and get me and I could spend the day with them instead. My days were spent with James & Anthony running around the yard and taking tractor rides. As we grew up the boys distanced themselves, with good reason, they always got the hard hand of our papaw, while I was the golden child. But I never grew distant. Visit's home from college always meant spending time at my papaw's for early morning biscuits and gravy and going out to the garden. I've never met a man that worked as hard as him. At his age of 86 you'd think I'd be more prepared for a health scare. Just last year I was sleeping in his hospital room as he recovered from back surgery. But this time, I wasn't. I never thought my papaw was going to forget me. The thought of it, makes me sick to my stomach. Aside from my dad, he is the only man that's shown me unconditional love. I know that I'll never be able to forget him, so why can't it be mutual? Thinking of my wedding day without him makes me absolutely weak in the knees.

I pray that somehow this diagnose is wrong. That his MRI will come back and it'll be just a scare. But I also realize with his failed cognitive test, old age and his constant mix up of names, dates, times, daily events, that this is also a real possibility. God, please bless my family and give me the strength to deal with whatever hand you give us.

Anchors Away,

Samantha

Waiting

Everyone spends a great deal of time waiting in their life. Waiting for the light to turn from red to green. Waiting for your friends on a Friday night. Waiting for "the one". But when is waiting too much? When do you give up on waiting and decide to move onto something new? One can only wait so long before the burden is too much, before you're too frustrated with no change. Maybe it's not fair or maybe you're passing up on something you really should wait for, but who's to say you'll wait around and get the results you desire anyways? I've prided myself to be a patient person but I've spent so much of my time waiting for other people, that I almost don't have the desire or will to do it anymore. Food for thought this Tuesday morning.


Anchors Away,

Samantha

DECEMBER IS HERE!

The past three weeks have been a whirlwind. I'm officially moved in and feel at home in the new house. I've also started hanging out with old friends. It's a little overwhelming because in the prime of our friendship I was in a really dark place in life. I was coping with graduation, getting broken up with & not having a place to call home. My weekend focus was on getting drunk and nothing else. Needless to say, they saw me at my worst but I really am thankful that now that I'm a normal person again, they accept me. This weekend made me feel so comfortable and happy.

Along with old friends comes old feelings. When my last relationship ended in June I was hardly devastated. I was dealing with lost friendships and a cahoot of other issues in my life, so my relationship was just put on the back burner. We had a less than perfect relationships filled with nights consuming too much alcohol and rolling into huge fights. There was never any reason but every weekend was the same. But as this person is back in my life I can't help but let myself have the same feelings. It's super intimidating because who knows what he thinks of me.. I can imagine how happy he was to get rid of my crazy self in June. But I also know that I'm a completely different person than I was six months ago. I think that I deserve to have a relationship with someone that is healthy and happy.. Does it make me such a bad person that I really want it to be with him, again? Time will only tell & to be honest, I'm not rushing anything, for once I'm fully content with where I am.

Happy Sunday y'all. It's time I fall back into Harry Potter world.

Anchors Away,

Samantha