Memories

Memories are a funny thing, they bring you back to a place in your life where the emotions feel the same as the day it happened. Your memories can be big things, small things, insignificant moments, or huge life changing moments. Your first kiss, the first time you and your friends got drunk, the feeling of getting dropped off at college at 18, and even go as far back as remembering holding your baby sister for the first time. Sometimes, you can't remember all of the details. What does your first love's voice sound like? Or, What was that game you spent hours playing in granny's backyard with your two boy cousins? But nonetheless, you always count on your memories to bring you back to a specific time, with specific people, to feel a specific feeling. What you don't count on is someone in your life forgetting. I spent 5 days a week at your house as a child, how could you ever forget me? But it happens, over time, with nothing to stop it. The spouse you loved, the 8 children, and 20+ grandchildren/great-grandchildren become a blur.

 I've already watched one grandparent suffer with dementa. But seeing her only holidays it didn't hit me as hard. Hearing my papaw's diagnoses today was nothing short of devastating. Growing up I was the princess of the family. All of my older cousins adored me and my granny & papaw spoiled me. I can remember crying at preschool just so my granny would come and get me and I could spend the day with them instead. My days were spent with James & Anthony running around the yard and taking tractor rides. As we grew up the boys distanced themselves, with good reason, they always got the hard hand of our papaw, while I was the golden child. But I never grew distant. Visit's home from college always meant spending time at my papaw's for early morning biscuits and gravy and going out to the garden. I've never met a man that worked as hard as him. At his age of 86 you'd think I'd be more prepared for a health scare. Just last year I was sleeping in his hospital room as he recovered from back surgery. But this time, I wasn't. I never thought my papaw was going to forget me. The thought of it, makes me sick to my stomach. Aside from my dad, he is the only man that's shown me unconditional love. I know that I'll never be able to forget him, so why can't it be mutual? Thinking of my wedding day without him makes me absolutely weak in the knees.

I pray that somehow this diagnose is wrong. That his MRI will come back and it'll be just a scare. But I also realize with his failed cognitive test, old age and his constant mix up of names, dates, times, daily events, that this is also a real possibility. God, please bless my family and give me the strength to deal with whatever hand you give us.

Anchors Away,

Samantha