It's been awhile..

The holiday's really kicked my butt but I wouldn't have it any other way. I spent the last two weeks with the most amazing friends and family. My best friend was home from Texas, my grandpa finally made it out of the hospital in Georgia, and I've seen all of the people I've been severely missing.

This Christmas we had a tragedy in our family. My cousins boyfriend died in a horrific car accident on the way home from church. If I wasn't an advocate for drunk driving before, I definitely am now. His accident should have never happened. How in the world are you driving the wrong way on a highway?  It's such a senseless thing that breaks my heart. My cousin doesn't deserve to deal with this pain and I wish there was something I could do. I hope that I never have to lose someone close to me because I don't know how I'll ever manage.

Well, it's almost New Years & while I wont post the cliche "NEW YEAR NEW ME" resolutions, I will say that I can't wait for a new year. 2012 has dealt me too many cards that I wasn't prepared for. Ones that I couldn't just hurdle and get over. Things that left me weak in my bed and turned me into someone I wasn't. I'm so thankful to have amazing people to bring me out of my slump and make me realize what's really important. So this year, I plan on having an amazing ride and staying healthy and happy.

Anchors away,

Samantha

Building Walls

We all have that one person who crushed us. The one who made us fall hard & then didn't catch us. The one you trusted with everything & then completely broke your trust. They're the reason you build walls. You want to keep people out. You want someone to break them down. You want to protect yourself. But when do you start to let your guard down? Do you wait for someone to do it for you? Or, do you just realize that the walls are overwhelming and you need to move on? I'm thankful that through this messy year I've started to tear down my walls. Sometimes it's just brick by brick and sometimes its huge chunks, but slowly they're going.


Anchors away,

Samantha

Memories

Memories are a funny thing, they bring you back to a place in your life where the emotions feel the same as the day it happened. Your memories can be big things, small things, insignificant moments, or huge life changing moments. Your first kiss, the first time you and your friends got drunk, the feeling of getting dropped off at college at 18, and even go as far back as remembering holding your baby sister for the first time. Sometimes, you can't remember all of the details. What does your first love's voice sound like? Or, What was that game you spent hours playing in granny's backyard with your two boy cousins? But nonetheless, you always count on your memories to bring you back to a specific time, with specific people, to feel a specific feeling. What you don't count on is someone in your life forgetting. I spent 5 days a week at your house as a child, how could you ever forget me? But it happens, over time, with nothing to stop it. The spouse you loved, the 8 children, and 20+ grandchildren/great-grandchildren become a blur.

 I've already watched one grandparent suffer with dementa. But seeing her only holidays it didn't hit me as hard. Hearing my papaw's diagnoses today was nothing short of devastating. Growing up I was the princess of the family. All of my older cousins adored me and my granny & papaw spoiled me. I can remember crying at preschool just so my granny would come and get me and I could spend the day with them instead. My days were spent with James & Anthony running around the yard and taking tractor rides. As we grew up the boys distanced themselves, with good reason, they always got the hard hand of our papaw, while I was the golden child. But I never grew distant. Visit's home from college always meant spending time at my papaw's for early morning biscuits and gravy and going out to the garden. I've never met a man that worked as hard as him. At his age of 86 you'd think I'd be more prepared for a health scare. Just last year I was sleeping in his hospital room as he recovered from back surgery. But this time, I wasn't. I never thought my papaw was going to forget me. The thought of it, makes me sick to my stomach. Aside from my dad, he is the only man that's shown me unconditional love. I know that I'll never be able to forget him, so why can't it be mutual? Thinking of my wedding day without him makes me absolutely weak in the knees.

I pray that somehow this diagnose is wrong. That his MRI will come back and it'll be just a scare. But I also realize with his failed cognitive test, old age and his constant mix up of names, dates, times, daily events, that this is also a real possibility. God, please bless my family and give me the strength to deal with whatever hand you give us.

Anchors Away,

Samantha

Waiting

Everyone spends a great deal of time waiting in their life. Waiting for the light to turn from red to green. Waiting for your friends on a Friday night. Waiting for "the one". But when is waiting too much? When do you give up on waiting and decide to move onto something new? One can only wait so long before the burden is too much, before you're too frustrated with no change. Maybe it's not fair or maybe you're passing up on something you really should wait for, but who's to say you'll wait around and get the results you desire anyways? I've prided myself to be a patient person but I've spent so much of my time waiting for other people, that I almost don't have the desire or will to do it anymore. Food for thought this Tuesday morning.


Anchors Away,

Samantha

DECEMBER IS HERE!

The past three weeks have been a whirlwind. I'm officially moved in and feel at home in the new house. I've also started hanging out with old friends. It's a little overwhelming because in the prime of our friendship I was in a really dark place in life. I was coping with graduation, getting broken up with & not having a place to call home. My weekend focus was on getting drunk and nothing else. Needless to say, they saw me at my worst but I really am thankful that now that I'm a normal person again, they accept me. This weekend made me feel so comfortable and happy.

Along with old friends comes old feelings. When my last relationship ended in June I was hardly devastated. I was dealing with lost friendships and a cahoot of other issues in my life, so my relationship was just put on the back burner. We had a less than perfect relationships filled with nights consuming too much alcohol and rolling into huge fights. There was never any reason but every weekend was the same. But as this person is back in my life I can't help but let myself have the same feelings. It's super intimidating because who knows what he thinks of me.. I can imagine how happy he was to get rid of my crazy self in June. But I also know that I'm a completely different person than I was six months ago. I think that I deserve to have a relationship with someone that is healthy and happy.. Does it make me such a bad person that I really want it to be with him, again? Time will only tell & to be honest, I'm not rushing anything, for once I'm fully content with where I am.

Happy Sunday y'all. It's time I fall back into Harry Potter world.

Anchors Away,

Samantha

Do it yourself

Since Saturday my life has been a mix of emotions. Old feelings creeping in - new feelings all over the place. But with my sick day off work (really my life before noon I was a mess) I took the time to do some things around the house. For my first time I hung curtains, painted my dresser & put Christmas lights on the tree. Nothing makes me feel better than knowing how productive I can be BY MYSELF & don't always need someone's support. 'Tis the season & I'm really getting in the spirit this year.

Anchors Away,

Samantha

Thankful

I'm so thankful that this week I've managed to patch up two really amazing friendships. One is like I never spent time away with her, while I can tell the other one needs time to mend. Regardless, I'm so thankful. It makes me proud of myself to see that not only was I able to own up to a huge mistake but also try to fix the situation. I can't fix everything all at once but I'm excited for a new chapter & to work and grow my friendships. I can only imagine what the outside world is saying about us becoming friends again but I can honestly say that I don't care. The three people affected are the only ones that matter. I can tell this week is going to be so stressful but I'm excited and ready for something new.

Anchors away,

Samantha

I'm Sorry.

Two words that throughout my whole life have caused me extreme stress. I've always avoided them, even when I knew I was wrong, because I have such a hard time telling people how sorry I am. But this time, it was my fault & I felt horrible. After three months I was ready to say I'm sorry, because I wanted it to seem sincere. But it's weird when it doesn't work out your way afterwards. I guess it's because not everyone deals with things the same way. For me, if I'm mad at you & you apologize, it's over, I CAN NOT stay mad at you. I guess I just have to learn to give people their own space & time. Just because I want to fix things, doesn't mean they do.

Anchors away,

Samantha

Lessons Learned

1. Do not EVER let a boy come in between a friendship. I promise you that you will regret it and will end up missing the friendship more than you'll ever miss the boy.
2. It's okay to have a "me" day. The most selfish day where you do nothing but lay in bed & watch crap movies all day.
3. Time heals all wounds. YES you've heard that a million times. But it really is true.. sometimes you can't fix everything all at once, (even if you want to), sometimes you have to right for the right time & for that person to heal a little first.

I plan on writing down all of my lessons learned as they happen, for now you get these.

Anchors away,

Samantha

Reminiscing

 “It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”

Call me a nerd, geek, whatever you want, but I am a true Harry Potter lover. I've always loved reading and I can remember my grandma buying my my very first Harry Potter book, it was a done deal from there. I bought the books the day they were out & then followed suit and seen every movie. No one ever truly understood my obsession besides my best friend. Harry Potter takes me to another world, one where I can totally shut off everything that's happening in my own life. It's taught me the meaning of friendship, courage, bravery, and loyalty. Harry Potter is more than a series for me, but something that really defined a large part of my childhood and early adulthood. I'm 23 and still get sad thinking that that November I'll have no midnight showing to go to or never get to dive into another new Harry Potter book again. I can't wait for the day that I have kids because the first book I'll read to them is HP <3

Anchors away, 

Samantha

young & reckless

"Don't allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not”

A friend of mine posted this quote on Twitter this morning & it really hit home with me. I feel like over the last year I've let myself do things that is totally out of character and justified it with "being upset". Looking back I know which were and were not good decisions and that although yes, I was hurting at that time, it doesn't make my decisions okay. I was reckless with not only my heart but the heart of others & have been so selfish. Losing my relationships turned me into someone I didn't even know & I've lost one of my very best friends along the way. So here I am regretting things from the past year and wishing I would have put myself in check a long time ago. I promise myself I will not act recklessly anymore & will get my act together. The last thing I want to do is get a bad reputation and be "that girl". 


"We're not perfect. any of us. we make mistakes, we screw up but then we forgive and move forward."

Anchors away, 

Samantha

I need a life coach..

I need someone who could break down every decision for me and give me a pros and cons. Someone to help me sort through the thoughts in my head and figure out what is truly good for me & what's a completely horrible idea. Until this happens I guess I'm stuck trying to figure out my own mess and hold hearts without trying to break them. Instead of an apocalypse can the stars align and send me all the answers?

Anchors away,

Samantha

"Restoring from backup"

Some may think I'm silly for even posting this but last night my phone went into recovery mode.. I tried not to panic but this morning as it's restoring itself I can't help but want to cry a little. I had 900 pictures on my iphone and while I know they arent lost (I'm looking at them right now in iphoto) I can't help but be really sad about it. Some of my pictures date back to '09 in my good ole blackberry & college days.

I'm trying to look at this as a positive though. Wiping out the pictures on my iphone means I will finally stop looking at pictures from my past. All the puppy pictures are stored safely on my computer instead of at my fingertips at all times. I think this was god's way of giving me the final push to be over everything that happened. It's been almost a year since we've spoke and I really couldn't be happier with where I am today.

"God doesn't give you what YOU think YOU want, gives you what He knows you need."

Anchors Away,

Samantha

Happy halloweenie

The older I get the more I enjoy dressing up for Halloween. Great ideas, hang out sessions with the girls making costumes, amazing friends & awesome memories. Our super hero idea turned out amazing!


Enjoy a recap of my Halloween..

Surprise of the century

My best friend came home & surprised me!! Couldn't be happier. That is all. :)

Anchors away,

Samantha

Red

There's an old poem by Neruda that I've always been captivated by, and one of the lines in it has stuck with me ever since the first time I read it. It says, "love is so short, forgetting is so long." It's a line I've related to in my saddest moments, when I needed to know someone else had felt that exact same way. And when we're trying to move on, the moments we always go back to aren't' the mundane ones. They are the moments you saw sparks that weren't really there, felt starts aligning without having any proof, say your future before it happened, and then saw it slip away without any warning. These are moments of newfound hope, extreme joy, intense passion, wishful thinking, and in some cases, the unthinkable letdown. And in my mind, every one of these memories looks the same to me. I see all of these moments in bright, burning, red.

My experiences in love have taught me difficult lessons, especially my experiences with crazy love. The red relationships. The ones that went from zero to a hundred miles per hour and then hit a wall and exploded. And it was awful. And ridiculous. And desperate. And thrilling. And when the dust settled, it was something I'd never take back. Because there is something to be said for being young and needing someone so badly, you jump in head first without looking. And there's something to be learned from waiting all day for a train that's never coming. And there's something to be proud about moving on and realizing that real love shines golden like starlight, and doesn't fade or spontaneously combust.


The above caption is the reason why I love Taylor Swift so much. I know it's cliche to be a girl that loves her, but sometimes she really says how I'm feeling when I'm unable to say the words. I have yet to be in a healthy relationship and think that any guy I get involved with is a "red" guy. I fall hard, fast, and I'm almost always disappointed. Lucky for me I have a fast bounce back, but I feel myself going back anytime the past comes knocking. Recently I feel like I'm being tested, and I'm slowly moving towards being someone I really dont like. The kind of girl that always made me cry. I need to get it together and push past. I know my prince charming is somewhere in this crazy, red world.

Anchors Away,

Samantha

I SURVIVED

I've been dreading this day for months. I thought for sure the date on the calendar would send me into a downward spiral that left me crippled in bed. BUT I'm happy to report I didn't even realize the date & I'm not throwing myself a pity party. Frankly, I didn't even think about the person tied to this date & that makes me feel ecstatic.


In other news, so happy to have a lazy sunday watching this...

(Anyone who knows me understands my love of Harry Potter)

Anchors Away,

Samantha

Great day to be from Detroit!

World Series bound!

I believe

that everyone is brought into your life for a reason. I can't even begin to explain how thankful I am to have met two of the girls I work with. I believe that one shows me exactly where I was in my life a year ago (but she's way more together & a lot less messy relationship) & the other shows me everything I want to become. They're inspiring and make me realize all the work I've done on myself in the last year. SO PROUD at how strong and independent I've become.

When I'm 60 I want a story not a "I shoulda moved but never did".. so research research research into what I want to do next.. grad school? move? THIS IS TOO STRESSFUL.


p.s I had a really awesome work out today & I LOVE being sore.. operation skinny Samantha is back in full force.

Anchors Away,


Samantha

Inspiring

Today during my very first parent conference (YAY), I got a little inspiration from a mom. She blogs (which apparently is all the rage) and I was really intrigued by it. So, after not only finding hers, but a few other awesome blogs I figured, WHY NOT?

Post college I'm trying to find my niche in the world. I want to experience as many new things as possible.. & hopefully meet some really awesome guy along the way! Follow me through my struggle to figure out what I really want my career to be, where I want to get involved & stay tuned for some really awesome crafts.

I'm really hesitant about blogging but for once, I'll put myself out there! & as a good friend told me, "if you like it you'll keep doing it if not, you'll just forget about it. Nothing should hold you back"

Anchors Away,

Samantha